Mega Derived

This update is a few days too late and is much too easy an attack on Lionhead, but I don’t have time to write something proper because I’m too busy playing Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is a great game, completely unlike all of Lionhead’s creative output. On with the list!

#1: L.I.F.E.

What Peter Molyneux will say: “L.I.F.E. will essentially let you play god in innovative and creative ways that have never been seen before. We are expanding the very definition of the simulation genre and moving the goalposts further than ever before. Each movement will be logged, each decision will be unique and lead to an innovative and creative reaction from the AI”

What the game will be: Just like The Sims but with British voice actors.

#2: REPOPULATE

What Peter Molyneux will say: “Repopulate is a game that is unlike any other game that ever has been, or ever will be. You play god and using the innovative and creative mouse pointer controls you must successfully manage to convince the residents of your fantasy island to breed. You must create a successful paradise by carefully monitoring the needs of your people to ensure that Darwinism doesn’t wipe your colony off the map.  

What the game will be: Kind of like Populous but probably not as good.

#3: BLACK AND WHITE 3

This one would be too easy to mock so I won’t even try in case I fail at it and look stupid on the internet. What would everybody think of me then!  

But in order to get the most out of your game, you’ve got to play Guitar Hero standing up. Sitting down just doesn’t do rocking out justice; even the loading screen cranks the dial all the way up to eleven.

I hope Core are aware of the hideous psychological damage that Angel of Darkness caused to me and, likely, all gamers who have existed past, present or future. Today, I see a woman who looks a bit like Lara Croft in the gym; long brown hair, full red lips, general sort of Lara Croft-ish shape. She’s even wearing shorts that are ridiculously too small. I receive a smile from said woman. This would normally be a good thing, but any sense of potential arousal was destroyed because all I could think about was what it would be like if she was dressed up in goth make-up, had mental issues and was plagued by horrific camera problems and stupendously poor level design.

Do you see what you did, Core? No doubt your farcical company is powered by the tormented souls of the damned. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if your company was a plane of hell itself, manifested on our luscious green planet. Your company website says you’re recruiting? For what? Those two shitty little PSP games you’ve got coming out? One of them is about Xtreme Running for Pete’s sake. People have an actual, general interest in an extreme running racing game? Get off of my damn planet, you stinking hellbeasts!

It’s not very exciting to look at, is it? It’s not like being a kid and getting a Optimus Prime or something. But, unlike when I was a child, I’ve graduated from the school of hard knocks and am now aware of things like shoddy 50hz conversions and having to wait an extra year to see games, if at all, which makes things like these a complete necessity, at least for Europeans. Because, and do pardon my French, we get fucked by the games companies.

For any normal person with a chip, this would probably lead to an economic rebellion leading to the mass accumulation of a veritable cornucopia of DVD-R’s, each loaded with another gaming nugget and stored in a draw, out of plain sight, so not to look like a dodgy little tightwad when guests are over. But, oh no, not me. I’ve spent all evening trying to obtain a NTSC copy of Devil May Cry to replace my shitty PAL – 50hz Capcom, what the bloody hell were you thinking – copy, even though I have no real inclination to play the game any time soon.

Exciting possibilities with a modchip include:

• Trying to get a copy of the recently released US version of Beatmania along with a turntable peripheral.
• Getting a copy of DDR Extreme 2
• Kingdom Hearts II

And there’s probably more stuff that you could get with it that you can’t play in PAL yet, like Tales of Legendia or the elusive Xenosaga. The possibilities are endless.

I suppose I have to tie this in with some sort of topical gaming news. That bit of news where some Sony guy said PS2 would be multi-region out of the box, just like the PSP and the DS? Excellent news! Not having to buy modchips would save me a bloody fortune and, if the anti-piracy companies are to be believed, probably stop terrorism or the child sex industry or cancer or something. Everyone’s a winner!

When does a games hobby stop becoming a simple pursuit of casual enjoyment in ones spare time and instead mutate into this dirty little bastard child of peer pressure and blatant, disgusting consumerism? I’m having a bit of trouble understanding it but all I do know is that it feels wrong in my gut. And that’s where the truth comes from.

That’s right; someone else I know decided to forsake the fact he should have known better and bought a 360.

I’ve said it before, but there’s something so fundamentally wrong with switching to the ‘next generation’ now, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s this buzzing feeling of being completely and utterly underwhelmed. If you’re buying a console for the games, by that logic you absolutely cannot get rid of your PS2. Much the opposite, as the PS2 actually has more games being released on it at the moment than the 360. What’s left? The desire to own the latest piece of kit? If so, that’s a rather shallow and insipid little bit of reasoning. It’s a scary admission that you don’t actually have anything better to do than fawn over objects.

To illustrate a point, here’s what you could get instead of a 360 and its two good games (Oblivion and GRAW):

Life Improvement

• 6 months gym subscription (£100)
• 2 months supply of L’Oreal for men anti-fatigue face moisturiser (£10)
• Designer shirt or something (£50)

Games

• Guitar Hero (£30)
• Kingdom Hearts II (£30)
• Dragon Quest VIII (£30)
• Outrun 2006 (£30)

Books

• Lunar Park (£5)
• American Psycho (£5)
• Long Way Down (£5)
• The Catcher in the Rye (£5)
• Generation X (£5)
• The Bell Jar (£5)

DVD’s

• Firefly (£14)
• Jarhead (£13)
• Howl’s Moving Castle (£13)
• Lord of War (£12)

So, we’ll tot that up. Not only are you getting fit, losing weight, toning up your muscles and meeting new people you’ve got a great new designer shirt to impress your preferred sexual partners and two months worth of a quality face hygiene product. Your new body will no doubt improve your own self-esteem as well! You’ve also got the combined RPG delights of Dragon Quest VIII and Kingdom Hearts II to get through – that’s a lot of hours of gaming! – and when you fancy something with a bit more oomph you can speed around tracks in Outrun 2006 or rock out in Guitar Hero. You’ve also got, to read, Bret Easton Ellis’s latest novel, Lunar Park, as well as American Psycho, his magnum opus. Then there’s Nick Hornby’s new book Long Way Down, J.D Salinger’s fantastic postmodern masterpiece The Catcher in the Rye, Douglas Copleland’s Generation X – which will make you think about your own life – and Sylvia Plath’s tragic The Bell Jar. It’s sad but good. When you’re done with that you can watch Joss Whedon’s fan-favourite Firefly, the surprisingly good Jarhead, animation epic Howl’s Moving Castle and finish the whole lot off with Nicholas Cage’s excellent performance in Lord of War. That is, quite frankly, a media and self-improvement paradise.

By the time you’ve sucked all the inevitable enjoyment hours out of that merry little bunch, it’ll probably be the middle of summer and the 360 will be a more viable purchase. Maybe it will have at least five decent games for it by then. Who knows!

Or you could play Oblivion for 60 hours and then GRAW for, what, 10?