I’m an awful, awful man.

Quick update.

These are the games I am currently playing:

• Crysis
• Blue Dragon
• Rez HD
• New Super Mario Bros.
• Command & Conquer 3
• Zelda: Link to the Past

That’s six games, and I’ve put that in bold to emphasise just how very many games that is. I have, however, recently received Devil May Cry 4. This game has such an emphatically humongous grip on my entire cosmos that if you snatched my copy of DMC4 off me and told me you’d only give it back if I buggered my way through half the sheep of Wales I would (admittedly begrudgingly) agree. I have to play this game. I need to play this game.
However, that’s only because I’m a raging DMC fanboy with a bigoted metaphorical hard-on the size of the Eiffel tower. At least I’m aware of my bias.

So, let’s be honest, I’m probably going to have to abandon playing some of these games. The first one to be abandoned is easy: Command & Conquer 3. I just don’t really like it. It’s a bit ho-hum, really. The cut-scenes are cheesy C&C fare it’s just amazing how little I give a toss. I’ve been plodding along in Blue Dragon for far too long now, and I’m pretty much ready to give that one up. But I’m so desperately close to the end that I just want to get it finished, unless I want to get all 1000 achievement points for it; in that case, I have at least another fifty hours to go.

I really enjoy all the other ones - including Crysis - so I’m going to put them on the back burner and come back to them when I’ve got all the DMC out of my system. This is a promise, and this post is evidence of that.

Add comment February 9, 2008

My latest batch of FPS games.

Microsoft live firmly under the belief that when I’m not gaming, I’m probably out skateboarding and trying to live my life to the very extreme. At least that’s what their PR department tells me. In reality I spend most of my free time either at work, writing essays or meandering around looking for a deeper, more soul-enriching existence. My 360 is still running and it’s still churning out the over-stimulated, twitch-based adrenaline excitement of its continual drove of FPS and racing games. Unless my 360 decides that life is just too depressing and the only possible respite is to give me a two week break by packing up, there’s no end in sight. Seriously, it’s the most goddamn American thing in my life. It might as well come wrapped in the stars and stripes and puke hot dogs.

Since I last tried to keep track of what inconsequential and completely uninspiring FPS or racing game I’m currently being forced to play thanks to our society of imbeciles that won’t play anything else, I’ve completed eight games. For my next trick, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to crudely make a hatchet job of reviewing them all together in a couple of paragraphs.

I’m going to come clean. King Kong is a six hour joke of a game that I only played in the first place to throw another thousand points onto my gamerscore. It’s slow, it’s bland, it’s absolutely no fun and it should be because it has a giant ape and dinosaurs in it. Ubisoft must have built their head office on top of an ancient Indian burial ground or a radioactive wasteland or something because they’re being possessed by something evil and churning out nothing but garbage. If hype and people who work at Game are to be believed, Halo 3 is supposed to be the best thing about life itself but it’s hard to think of it that way because in reality it’s just a six hour trawl that’s basically Bungie giving themselves a big, long self-congratulatory masturbatory session. If it wasn’t for the epic soundtrack it would be about as beige as gaming comes.

The Darkness plods away in the background as a relic from the 90s where everything was set in dingy New York backstreets with a plot that’s been scrawled out on the back of a My Chemical Romance album cover by a mopey, sixteen year old Todd McFarlane. The crux of the game boils down to the protagonists love for his girlfriend but the bloke is such a unfeeling lump that he shows absolutely no emotion whatsoever for the other 99% of the game, even when he gets possessed by the devil or whatever it is that gives him his freaky darkness powers. Seriously. He doesn’t even say something about how “fucken fucked up” - which is about the peak of the ‘Mafia-like’ speech this game gives you - the whole situation is. Oh, and there’s a few levels in Hell. Finally you’ve got Bioshock which is an atmospheric triumph and a narrative delight but the actual gameplay part plods on a little bit.

2 comments November 11, 2007

My God! It’s Full of Burnout Influences!

I’m an honest guy. People who meet me often take a few precious seconds to reflect on how authentic I am. This is, of course, not true. Which is why I’m such a bitter critic, shamefully deciding the fate of games long before they’ve actually been released. I’ve come into a bit of money lately, so I booted up my 360 and shopped around the demos on Marketplace to see what wonderful summer games I could waste my earnings on. Overall, I think I’m going to save the money, maybe use it to ply unsuspecting women with alcohol so I can lure them back into my sweaty, nerdy basement and cry to them about how nobody loves me and why it’s so hard to get a girlfriend.

Here’s what I found:

Stuntman: Ignition

It’s like they took those “Hot Laps” - where you had to memorise each corner and the entire track layout to get gold - from Burnout and made it into an entire racing game about performing stunts over fields of lava and stuff. That’s pretty cool!

Will buy second-hand in three months when it’s really cheap.

Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights

The title is clearly a product of crossing pornography with a lousy racing game. Hell, if it had more titties in it might be a little better. Car customisation is tedious, having you choose which set of neon lights you want beaming out from the underside of your car doesn’t make it any more fun.

Will never buy.

Flatout 2: Ultimate Carnage

You know, I imagine the fans of this series will say that comparisons with Burnout aren’t really fair and that Flatout deserves to be seen as a quality racing game in its own right. When the developers of Flatout are even ripping off their menu interface straight out of Burnout, however, I find it a little hard to be impressed.

It might be worth a tenner.

1 comment July 29, 2007

Call of Duty 2

coverNever have the words “Checkpoint Reached” been so gratifying as when I see them in Call of Duty 2, Infinity Ward’s fairly seminal World War II based FPS sequel that propelled the Xbox 360’s launch out of the realms of miserable failure and into a rather murky area of tolerable. Almost decent enough at the time to allow one to forgive the lacklustre array of launch titles, it retrospectively allows us to blot out the mess that less than sterling titles such as Perfect Dark Zero and King Kong left upon the collective minds of the tech-hungry 360 early adopter.

I’m late in playing CoD2 properly, leading to a tardy review, but from the sheer amount of joy I exhibited through a good eighty percent of the campaign, I’d say its appeal is still very current. Recent stirrings into Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare have reignited a spark of interest in the series that developer Treyarch lost by thrusting an inadequate Call of Duty 3 onto a world with very high expectations. In the wake of this Call of Duty 4 frenzy, there is no better time than now to experience, or re-experience, its predecessor. Time has taught us that the game was a resounding success, met with a critical accolade that few could have honestly expected. It’s quite hard to pin down what makes CoD2 so special, especially when I treated it with disgust upon launch and unfairly lumped it into the same category as Brothers in Arms, a game that only excels in its seamlessly insulting combination of faux-homage and tiresome gameplay. How could I have been so wrong?

My only possible reasoning can be in the choice of difficulty setting. On my first playthrough in 2005, I waded through the game on normal difficulty, bashing the ten campaigns out of the way in the course of an afternoon. Call of Duty 2 was too easy. It was wasted on me. I never got the time to appreciate Infinity Ward’s masterpiece of design, a sombre impact of the levels and scenery juxtaposed with intense carnage and aural frenzy; otherwise peaceful settings that were being destroyed by the theatre of war as you played through them. I never got to experiment with the weapons - each of them feeling weighty, vicious and authentic - as I had no need; the game was a breeze, I had no reason to explore the ins and outs of the fighting as you could decimate the entire Nazi war machine with little more than a sneeze.

This is not how the campaign plays out on Veteran difficulty. Forever being forced to duck behind cover, you, as a player, are forced into a lethal exercise of attack and defend. Some enemies will be flanking you, others firmly entrenching themselves behind deep cover, popping their Hitler-worshipping noggins out to take a few pot-shots at you and your comrades. You need to adjust your style to accommodate the defeat of both, but one thing continually remains; you are fragile. Your health recharges, but the enemy is a decent shot and being on the receiving end of even a small spurt of SMG rounds will have you staring at your demise. Veteran poses a whole new kind of challenge, one that demands a whole new kind of outlook. CoD2 becomes a slower, more intense experience where you learn to appreciate the value of staying alive, slowly edging closer and closer towards your goals whilst falling victim to a constant barrage of grenades and bullets.

The essence of the game is linear. Linearity is not, in itself, a bad thing; Infinity Ward’s penchant for tight, slick scripted sequences demand a linear experience. The game is unapologetic about it, too. It’s confident with itself and this, in turn, impresses the audience. It features the inclusion of no modern gimmicks, relying only on its crafted levels to shock and awe. If you stop to take in your surroundings you will likely be disappointed, especially in our post-Gears world. Environments are not beautifully designed or textures, and the settings are the epitome of cliché. It’s rare to see, but the atmosphere in CoD2 comes from the sound and the gameplay itself, mixing together to provide one of the most convincing fictional explorations of World War II ever produced.

For all its merit, it’s romanticised portrayal of World War II is something that all players should consider before embarking on it’s frantic journey. Its inclusion of quotes from various influential figures in history could be considered a touch crass; especially the quotes that deal with the horror of war and the folly of it’s glamorisation. It’s by no means worse than the presentation of war in Saving Private Ryan and similar ilk, but it can occasionally prove irksome. Comforting, then, that Infinity Ward seem like a studio that really care about the history behind their game, instead of just using the struggle of millions to slap together an uninteresting action game. Gearbox and Ubisoft, I’m talking about you.

It’s a clever game, an influential one, that both rewrites its genre whilst laughing triumphantly against the mood of current gaming trends. Exploration and freedom are cast aside in what can only be described as the most apt setting to do so. Events are entirely scripted and, at times, it feels like the game is quite happy to carry on without you. Whilst the elements of the game are entirely linear, it creates an experience that feels dynamic and, dare I say it, authentic. Enemies rush out of buildings and assemble themselves into military formations, ducking and weaving in an out of cover with each other in an attempt to flank your squad. But, as you reload for the sixth time, what once looked like a clever display of AI programming is revealed to be a remarkable display of game scripting. Call of Duty 2 stays with you; I swear I’ve heard the sound of a grenade clinking nearby in every game I’ve played since. The sound of rain, too, has become synonymous with CoD 2’s machine gun fire. Call of Duty 2 isn’t perfect, but it’s one of the most memorable games I’ve played in a long time.

Add comment July 20, 2007

Been Away. Back Now.

Writing is tough, folks. Since the middle of June, I’ve been going through what one would describe as a writers block. Which is a bit of a shame, really. It’s not like maintaining a crude blog could be considered challenging. Before that, I was caught up in my exams and working a rather drab minimum wage job; one of the prerequisites of my gaming blog is that I actually have to be playing games. It’s a real shame that it’s been almost three months since I last made a post and I will now diligently be spending time sorting my act out.

Since university closed it doors on me and ejected me back into cold, miserable reality I’ve been knocking the games down quicker than my income can reasonably afford. Which, inevitably, leads me to the exploration of my back catalogue; truly a mark of the summer gaming drought. Only, there’s a whole bevy of unquestionably quality titles still fresh on the market with Forza 2, Colin McRae: DiRT and The Darkness leading the pack and assembling an unexpected summertime trinity of delight for the 360. I haven’t even started on DiRT and The Darkness yet, either, because I’ve been working away at Call of Duty 2, Hitman: Blood Money, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, Fight Night Round 03, God of War 2 and Tomb Raider: Anniversary. I have a lot of stuff to get through.

Clearly, I’m not suffering from a gamers block. Back on the writing side I have, however, occasionally been chipping in and contributing to the mumbly, cantankerous delight that is Curmudgeon Gamer. Again, not as much as I should, but you can occasionally spot a rather insipid rant penned by myself over there these days.

Add comment July 17, 2007

Gears of War

coverGears of War refuses to sit right in modern gaming. It’s best experienced by not believing the hype that it’s the first true soldier in the high-definition, next-gen war, which probably wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for the fact that our humble Microsoft stuffed the gaming media with so many bank notes they’re liable to explode like gruesome human pinatas. That, and the phenomenal graphics. It’s dubious if this game would have actually been well received at all if it wasn’t for the incredible graphics: exquisite visuals that are so good they cannot be mentioned without at least one superlative. This game looks amazing. There, it’s been said. No game (at time of writing) has graphics that surpass this, a title entirely unrelenting in its visceral charm. When I’m playing I quite often want to gouge my eyes out, as a man so dirty and corrupt should not be allowed to behold such beauty. But running parallel to the luscious visuals you have the game itself which, while fantastic, is not pushing any boundaries. You see, what Gears of War really wants to be is a title from the early 90s.

The engine throws you in to a land of destroyed beauty, a world ruined by war. You view this through the games cast of characters, whom are so muscular that one more protein shake and a simple clench of their butt cheeks would cause their body to spasm so hard their backs would snap. These guys are goddamn buff. And they’re also men. They’re big, tough, armour-clad, angry, gruff, gun-toting badass men. Chromosome XY on full display, rippled and defined muscle groups coated in a light sweaty sheen; battle-hardened faces and wrinkles expressing that they knows the true pain of war. The atmosphere these guys give off is attacking you, the player, in a testosterone fuelled adrenaline rage, working your face with its gigantic behemoth fists until reduced to a miserable pate of blood and sinew. Gears’s protagonist has spent the last god-knows how many years rotting away in a jail cell but is as strong as three Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, in their peak, combined. I imagine that If you challenged Gears of War to a drinking competition it would kick you ass and then sleep with your wife.

Games haven’t been so blatantly homoerotic since the days of Quake II, when the most technologically advanced games were a penis-swinging display of male dominance. Then things changed. Tomb Raider and Half-Life showed up and it wasn’t cool to have incredibly muscular protagonists anymore. Metal Gear Solid snuck in an age of stealthy revolution, evolving any number of Tom Clancy tactical squad based shooters. It never used to be this way, no, your graphical powerhouses used to be a character sneering with delight when you got your hands on the double-barrelled shotgun, then blasting fourteen hundred nightmarish monsters before advancing to the next level. Gears of War might function as a squad based shooter, but it is not one of them. It’s revving up the machismo age of gaming by punching you in the gut and curb stomping you when you’re down. And it doesn’t give a damn what you think about it.

The single-player campaign is a five-act cacophony of destruction. Hurled from one bloodbath to the next, protagonist Marcus Fenix and his posse indulge in a storyline that amounts to a bloody good excuse to blast seven shades of crimson out of an assortment of freaky bug-like villains, fifteen years after their freaky locust army emerged on the planet and started wiping out humanity. A copy of the art book in the limited edition version of the game tells you more about the Gears universe than the game itself, a testament to the sparse moments of storytelling revealed as you play. A traditional FPS style has been replaced by a cover-based third person adventure, and ducking behind anything that will stop a bullet in its path changes the flow of game, giving an extra development to heed: you can blind fire around cover, hoping you’ll hit something, or pop your head out slightly to give yourself a crosshair at the cost of exposing yourself. If you’ve never sampled it before, it takes about twenty seconds to adjust to this cover-oriented gameplay and soon the routine become ingrained into your soul itself (run into room, find cover, press A to hide behind it, begin shooting anything that moves). Perhaps this exposes the games biggest flaw itself, that of repetition. Other than getting cover and then shooting stuff, there’s not much more it has to offer. The story, which has definite potential, is so disparagingly sparse and designed for at least six sequels that it’s hard to be engrossed by it at all and the banter between you and your sidekicks only has to be heard once before it becomes routine. It’s all about hooking you, the gamer: if it gets you from the start, you won’t let go until the end. For the majority, it will be a success. Epic have managed to keep Gears of War sustain its flashy surprises and excellent set-pieces from the start until the end of the game. If Gears of War is a one-trick pony, it’s certainly exceptionally good at performing it.

Other than graphics and cementing in the wonderfully trendy ideal that making the single-player part of games available in an online co-op mode is an exceptionally fine idea, perhaps the first real inkling of next-gen potential comes from the games manual, as CliffyB (semi-famous game developer/lead designer) provides an introduction to the game. Perhaps, in our internet and reality TV driven age, this is a sign of thing to come? Current industry laughing stocks Ken Kutaragi and Kaz Hirai have become notorious internet superstars after E3 2006. Celebrity designers using their name to sell their product is the next logical step and, with development costs at all-time high, publishers will likely be looking to invest in other ways to ensure a games success. Or, perhaps, Gears of War is just an excellent dive back into the blood-filled pool of yesteryear - a time when the idea of chainsaws your enemies into pieces wasn’t a rare sight to behold - and an adrenaline-pumping, albeit basic, shooter that rarely fails to impress.

3 comments April 8, 2007

Project Gotham Racing 3

coverProject Gotham 3 isn’t nearly as good as everyone says it is. For a start, we all act like it was, and still is, the defining moment of next-gen racing. The example that the others follow. Here’s some news: it runs in a clunky half-resolution with sloppy graphics. It wouldn’t be nearly as sucessful as it is if it wasn’t one of Microsoft’s babies, because it’s just not very good. PGR2 was excellent. I don’t know where Bizarre got lost, maybe they all went crazy trying to get this out in time for launch, but they forgot to program in the fun. The whole game plays out like this:

  • Get enough money to afford F50 GT
  • Win Game

Oh, wait, did I forget to talk about the wonderful tracks? Each of cordoned off by big fences, so you can’t actually see any of the cities you’re driving in? Or the hundreds of races, each more tedious than the last? “Hey”, you’ll think, “I really fancy some of that racing”, only you won’t get to do any because the game wants you to do sixty two different go-fast-past-the-speed-camera levels first. Whoop! They’re where the fun is. And that’s just not a good racing experience. Besides, the tracks aren’t even fun. Most of them are just a selection of cramped, tiny little back alleys, likely generated by random with the games in-built track creator, which you complete by slowing down to 3mph before you take corners. Where’s the love, Bizarre? Take Outrun 2006, a delightful little number that mixes up blisteringly fast corners that you blaze through with selections of careful sharp turns and hairpins and stuff. Those are the complicated ones. Okay, so I’m not really an expert on racing games, but I know that I enjoy the tracks on Ridge Racer 6 and Outrun 2006 but that I think the courses on Project Gotham 3 suck.

That, and all the time you’ll spend looking at loading screens. Jesus, this game likes to load a lot. And it’s not even bad enough at loading to win that crown, no, that went to Sonic 360.

To cap it all off, you’ve got the ridiculously broken online mode where being in pole position actually means you’re 100% likely to lose the race. The physics are so screwed up in this that if another car gets anywhere near the rear of yours, you’re going to madly spin out, lose complete control and watch whilst every other car overtakes you. People actually choose to play with invisible cars because the online mode is so buggered up. Are Microsoft being serious? I don’t know what’s more confusing, that this game made it out of beta or the fact loads of people put up with it on Xbox Live.

Is there anything this half-arsed racing game actually excels at? No. Apart from being bundled with stuff. It’s ace at that. The only reason I played it all the way through to completion is because all my friends were doing it, because we all got a copy bundled in with our shiny new Christmas 360’s. Okay, I’m being pretty rough on it here. If I’m being fair, the in-car driving view is excellent. You get hands, and a steering wheel and everything. It’s so good that sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I’m having some fun with the game. But the rest of it needs serious work.

But overall, bad. Hey, Bizarre, here’s an idea, fix this franchise up for PGR4, would you?

1 comment March 30, 2007

24 Season 6

I’ve finally caught up with the first five episodes of Season 6 of 24. It’s hard to write about 24 when a season is just beginning. I should know, I once wrote that Day 3 (which eventually turned out to be duller than dishwater) was shaping up to be the best season ever when I was only four episodes in. So, take all of this with a pinch of salt, and be aware that future episodes could quite easily destroy everything: Day 6 is shaping up to be the best season ever. The action operates in bursts, reaching occasional climaxes before dipping into a lull where fleshing out the story takes precedence, giving life to a plot that is stretched out beyond ludicrous; an overly sensational yarn that, quite frankly, baffles as much as it entertains.

Day 5 concerned itself too much with the moral grey. The eventual villains motivation wasn’t quite juicy and evil enough to satiate the basic hunger of an action-craved audience. It’s back to basics for Day 6, where the bad guys are so archetypal they’re close to becoming a parody of evil itself. But this is where 24 works best, thrusting you into its fictional world where there is no grey, only extreme good meeting extreme evil and both sides going to extreme measures to try and take the other out. The plot becomes a family affair of soap opera proportions where the histories and relationships are woven around the grand nuclear theme in order to squeeze out the juiciest plot threads. When Jack is kicking a terrorist - complete with C4 jacket about to detonate - out of a commuter train, the adrenaline rush is immense. This is what you came to see.

24 works best with a simple story and simple plot twists. The action takes care of the rest. This is what Day 6 is providing us with, and what Day 5 was lacking. Of course, when I look back on this post in eighteen episodes time, I’ll probably take back everything I’ve said and declare the whole show a pile of jibbering bollocks. That’s what I seem to do every other season. Especially Season Three. That one was the worst.

1 comment March 23, 2007

The DS Lite & Me

The DS Lite is a DS, and it is tiny. And, you know something? I still don’t think it looks as good as the PSP when it’s opened up. When it’s closed it’s like a sleek little Apple-branded gadget - so it fits in with all my other Apple-branded gadgets - but when you open it it just looks a little silly. But, hey, when it’s open my eyes are on those screens, right? I mean, that’s what counts? To be fair, the screens are all kinds of awesome. Much better than what’s on the chunky old DS, which is what I’m used to playing.

It’s nice to own, and I’m glad I picked one up. I’ve had a chubby one lying around the house since they came out, so it’s not like I’m not familiar with the DS, but the Lite is a sweet little upgrade. If anything, it’s nice to remind myself of my massive oodles of cash that allows me afford to buy such a needless upgrade. It’s great being middle class.

You know what else is good? The R4 DS card. It’s a DS-like cartridge that you put a microSD card into and then it functions as some kind of whizzy rom loader/homebrew thing. Now, obvious piracy issues aside, there’s something to be said about the freedom of having all your games on one cartridge. It’s something I’ve got very used to with my (admittedly, hacked) PSP. These things are portable consoles, right? The last thing I need to do is fuss around over which one of my fifteen games I fancy playing at any one time. The luxury of just going into a menu and picking the game really is something nice. In the future, the developers should come up with some kind of way of doing this that isn’t such an ethical grey area.

I mean, imagine if Nintendo put 2gb of storage into the DS. Solder it onto the board or something, so people don’t have to worry about piracy issues. Then let the user copy games to it. Add in a feature where you can sync your save games between the flash memory and the carts themselves. Add in some kind of draconian DRM tool so people can’t let their friends copy their games. It would be incredible. Why aren’t Nintendo doing it right now? Because it would be impossible to implement without raising too many issues, that’s why. Still, it would really be convenient.

Anyway, I have a copy of Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin arriving, and I’m very much looking forward to that. Right now I’m playing through Elite Beat Agents and New Super Mario Bros, both of which I’m enjoying. If there’s one thing that impresses me about the current crop of handheld devices, it’s the strength of their titles. In my opinion, the GBA was flooded with too many SNES ports. The DS is something much better.

5 comments March 22, 2007

DMC4 on 360

Those who know me, know that I love DMC3, adore DMC3:SE and that I think DMC1 is pretty good.

DMC4 is coming out on 360, too. I can’t read Japanese, either, but I figured I’d post the official link. First thoughts?

  • I can get 1000 achievement points in it, to prove just how much I love DMC.
  • Rumble.
  • Oh god, I’m a 360 fanboy now.

I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. Tomorrow I’m going to play DMC3:SE again.

2 comments March 20, 2007

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